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My Steps Alone


This morning a lyric popped into my head, relentless in being heard. I don’t know why it happened when it did and I can’t recall anything in particular that inspired it, but it was this:

“There is a road, no simple highway between the dawn and the dark of night.”

At age 17, it had taken me a little longer than most to get my driver’s license. I was hesitant at the thought of driving and comfortable in the roster of rides I had acquired since everyone else had turned sixteen. When I did get my license, I only took the roads. Main roads, back roads, narrow roads, country roads. But definitely not any highways, simple or otherwise.

It’s funny how your actions mirror who you are. I never have taken the easy path to get anywhere and I don’t think I’ll ever want to. What’s so great about simple? Who has ever been happy with easy?

“And if you go, no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone.”

Growing up, Ripple was the song that comforted me. It somehow reassured me that I wasn’t alone. So when I first really heard these lyrics as an adult, I was a bit confused. There’s no comfort in being alone! What about my empty cup that you said would be full again?

But now, here I am very much on my own path. Sure enough, nobody followed. In many ways, I am alone. Somewhere in the past 5 weeks, that became okay. Alone has become comforting and even freeing. This path is mine and mine alone and that makes everything much, much sweeter.

“You who choose to lead must follow, but if you fall, you fall alone.”

I’m okay with falling. Before I left for this trip I asked my mom, “what if I completely fail?” She very wisely told me, “Honey, there is no failing in this.” Or maybe there is, but the point is, it’s okay if I do. I’m at a time in my life where I’m not afraid of failure. In fact, I welcome it. When I found myself crying in an empty apartment in the middle of Germany, I wasn’t freaked out. I know that as long as I hang on, I’m going to get one hell of an experience out of this. So, I’ll embrace the beautiful times and grit my teeth through the hard times knowing that I’ll come out on the other side.

“If you should stand, then who’s to guide you? If I knew the way, I would take you home.”

It’s okay, I’m not ready to go home.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Elizabelibby permalink
    03/25/2011 6:43 am

    I love how you write…you remind me of a younger me

    there is a Dead song for every feeling, every emotion, every moment to be remembered (in my opinion) and memories attached to those words that will never leave

    thanks for making me feel I’m not alone…someone is like me

  2. Anonymous permalink
    06/20/2012 8:47 pm

    your last sentence says it all .look forward to more from ya


  1. Dearest Deadheads, « Becoming Dead

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